2005-05-23 - 12:51 p.m.

It is about second chances.

I got to see my Mom.

She is still very sick, and I still don't know if she's going to come out of this. Currently, she has been stabilized but she is still in ICU. If everything goes well, she will undergo surgery on Tuesday or Wednesday.

I am glad I went. I am glad I spoke to her and that we got to say what she wanted to say, even if it was briefly. (She cannot talk much.)

I am glad to know that she loves me, and that she knows now that I believe her when she says she loves me. And that I love her too.

I feel at peace, and I hope that she is at peace as well.

All these years, I had not realized just how angry I was.

Which is ironic, being as it is that I am the first enemy of denial.

Denial is my enemy and yet, it got the best of me.

But now I know, and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my soul. You cannot be angry forever. Or you could, but it is not worth it.

Right now, I feel at peace with myself, without guilt. I hope my Mom feels the same. I think she does.

In fact, I cannot feel guilty even when I try. I think that I have forgiven myself, which I never thought I could. (Her, I thought I had forgiven a long time ago, but then I was lying to myself.)

But mutual forgivenes has been achieved, and I think that we are both the better for it.

I was given a second chance. So was my Mom. I am grateful and humbled by that.

And if I could get over my anger and come out of that dark, cold place, maybe my Dark Child will one day be able to achieve the same.

Here's to hope, which is not as overrated as I once thought is was.

I will be flying back probably this weekend, depending on the news from Juarez.

If she lives, it will be a slow and painful recovery. I want to be there for her.

If she does not, I will be there to say goodbye.

But I got to see her now and make ammends and that's what counts.

�

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