2005-05-17 - 1:30 p.m.

I am going to have to make a very hard decison.

Or let me rephrase that. I must make a decision and I am having a very hard time making it.

It is one of those cases of damned if you do it and damned if you don't.

And no, it does not involve Marcellus, my children or any household members. It actually involves my Mother, whom I have never discussed here.

Making any kind of decision regarding my relationship with her is heartwrenching. But self-preservation instinct is kicking in and so far is winning.

The more you preserve yourself, the more you survive. The more you survive, the more secure you feel. The more secure you feel, the more you wish to continue surviving.

Survival is a good thing. I have been practicing it for a while and I like what I have achieved so far. I don't want to lose that.

On second thought, I know that at this point in my life it is not likely that I will lose it, but still . . .

I don't know. I have been expecting this phone call for a long time, all the while hoping that maybe, just maybe, I would not have to make any decisions at all.

Deep down, I think I know what I am going to do. I am going to do what feels right.

I wish I could be less cryptic, but I am not prepared to share anything more.

Damn.

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