2005-02-15 - 11:20 a.m.

Yesterday was an interesting day, packed with all sorts of news. A busy day.

All I can say is, I married my Valentine and he is the best husband I could ever hope for.

I love you Marcellus.

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Ymir was a lot of fun and the weather cooperated to make it a really good event.

I was really concerned in the morning as my breathing was not particularly good -- in other words, I woke up with a shortness of breath that would not go away in spite of my taking my asthma medication like a good girl. And since I was planning to fight in the rapier tournament, this was Not Good(tm).

Even worse. As I was doing warm-ups with Brianna, I started to hyperventilate and miss all my shots. On top of that, I started to shake uncontrollably.

Yes, boys and girls, the good news about Albuterol inhalers is that they will open your lungs and allow you to breathe. The bad news is that sometimes they give you the shakes. This was one of those times, except that my breathing did not seem to improve.

So now I was hyperventilating and shaking.

Lovely.

But the patron saint of asthmatics was on my side. Just as they started calling the pairings, the shaking stopped and all of a sudden, I was able to breathe.

It is amazing what you can do when you can breathe. Even if only for a few hours.

Even more amazing was the fact that I made it to the sixth round in a double elimination tournament. And with no buys whatsoever. I earned each round the old fashioned way, by fighting each one.

You have no idea how thrilled I was. True, I have done well in individual tournaments before (read Sapphire, twice), and I even won Bloodbath once upon a time. But this is the first time that I make it that far in a major tournament. Particularly one with a huge list like this (I was told that there were about 60 fighters).

Even better, I felt vindicated. Not that I needed vindication with anyone else. The vindication was with myself.

You see, when I was told nearly three years ago that I had breast cancer, and that I would have to undergo a mastectomy, my whole world came crashing down. It is amazing what losing a part of yourself can do to your self-confidence.

When you undergo a surgery like this, the first thing that you need to realize is that your body will never be the same again. By that, I do not mean that you will be crippled for life and that you will not be able to recover. It is the simple fact that your body will not be the same again.

Ever.

The most difficult part is to learn to work with your new body.

When a woman gets a mastectomy, there are things that are going to happen to her, even with reconstructive surgery. The options are pretty much as follows:

1. You don't get reconstruction: That means that you will have a neat scar where your breast used to be and, if you so choose, you will wear a prosthesis. This also means that your affected side will always weigh less than your non-affected side -- unless you are wearing a prosthesis which means that the opposite will take place. (Prosthesis are heavier than breast tissue.) If you are a fighter, this will affect your balance.

2. You get reconstruction by taking muscle of your back or your abdomen and using it to reconstruct your breast: The good news is that it is your own tissue. The bad news is that it is a lengthy and painful recovery, plus you will permanently lose strength in your back or your abdomen. For a fighter, this is not an option.

3. You get reconstruction by getting a prosthesis -- either saline or silicone based -- inserted under your chest muscles: Recovery is faster and it does not affect your back or abdomen muscles. It does, however, affect your chest muscles as they have to be distended in order to accomodate the prosthesis. Plus, the prosthesis will be significantly heavier than breast tissue. Again, this will permanently affect your balance and the distended muscles will affect your movement.

You see, breast tissue rests on top of your chest muscles, whereas a prosthesis is inserted under said muscles. That means that the range of movement and the things that you can and cannot do just change dramatically.

It has taken me nearly three years to get used to the way my body works. To this day, I still have trouble doing things like opening a bottle. Which is ironic because I can lift heavy weights.

Go figure.

So my performance last Saturday was just so much more that I could expect. It was the result of almost three years of hard work and practice. Even after I lost to Connor, which took me out of the tournament, I was so happy that I wanted to cry.

Now, I am perfectly aware that there is no guarantee that I will do that well every single time. I may do better, or I may do worse.

But now I know that I can do it and there is no stopping me.

This morning I woke up fired up to go to the gym.

The plan works.

And I do intend to follow it.

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